Finding Joy

Ever since I can remember, I have been living in the shadows of my three older sisters and mother. It is neither a long nor a thick shadow, but a shadow nonetheless. My mom and two sisters were cheerleaders, another sister a star volleyball player, and all four of them were heavily involved with student government and school activities in high school. Their impacts upon others are so lasting and strong, that I am often referred to as “So-and-So’s little sister,” or “Deborah’s daughter.” I enjoy being told how great my sisters and mother are, and I am proud to be related to them, however I sometimes experience a personal identity-crisis. I find myself questioning my choices or actions, wondering if I’m acting of my own volition or according to the past actions of my sisters and mom. I want to be an individual, but I also want to follow in the footsteps of my amazing sisters and mother, to an extent.

This semester I had two favorite quotes: “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and, “Why would you want to be someone else, when you could be you?” When we were told to find a principle in the scriptures and apply it to our daily lives, I immediately thought about my two favorite quotes and resolved to change my habit of comparing myself to others. I realized that as I envy the blessings of others, I disregard my own. The scripture I chose to apply to myself comes from 4 Nephi 1:16, “And there were no envying, nor strifes, nor tumults...and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.” I read through many different verses in the Book of Mormon, but as I prayerfully considered the assignment I knew that 4 Nephi 1:16 was the perfect scripture for me. I have always been a happy young woman, with a wonderful family and incredibly blessed life, but there was a certain level of self-awareness and personal-happiness that I knew I had not yet reached in my life. I wrote the verse on a piece of paper and taped it to my desk, intent on living out this principle to the fullest.

I began the semester with a reserved and academically-minded focus, ignoring my friends and often spending time with my sister and her husband or studying by myself in my dorm room. I had great grades, started exercising and eating healthier, and, through incredibly fallible logic, I thought that I was finally discovering myself. I thought that by spending time with loved ones in a comfortable environment, I would grow comfortable with myself as a person and then be able to stop wanting after the blessings of others. Then my parents visited Provo and, after hearing about my social self-separation, they gave me the best advice I had received all year: “Live your life.” They told me that the only way to be happy was to do what I loved, and through doing what I loved I would be blessed with self-assurance and confidence. I thought back to my favorite quotes and my scripture verse, and realized that by isolating myself from friends and spending time with my sister only, I was narrowing my vision and had unwittingly begun to act like her. I took my parents’ advice to heart and reconnected with my friends.

When I started spending more time with my friends I realized that they contributed a fresh dynamic to my life that helped me see different perspectives. Some of my friends have gone through extremely tough trials, others have never had much to worry about. I am one of the latter; I was raised in a nice home where everything I needed was provided for me, and I have never known extreme trials. Yet, I still caught myself disregarding my own talents and blessings and wondering how Mackynzie could be so skinny or how Erika was such good friends with all the boys and I was not. I was jealous and started to compare myself to others once again. Pam Wilson Vandenaker spoke about envy in the March 1999 issue of the Ensign, “The practice of comparing ourselves to others is usually at the root of envy. It causes us to feel that we aren’t good enough and that in order to be acceptable we have to achieve more, acquire more, or in other ways appear to be “better” than others.” Sister Vandenaker perfectly illustrates my problem. One of the reasons I had never had a set group of best friends in high school is because I was never comfortable enough with myself to feel entirely comfortable with others, and I thought that everyone noticed my flaws, the obvious and the insignificant.

One of my greatest insecurities that has plagued me since 8th grade was the issue of my weight. In retrospect, I know I was never overweight and I acknowledge that I have always looked fit and healthy, but I still constantly worried about my appearance. The downside of having stunning sisters and a beautiful mother is that I am constantly told how gorgeous they all are, and though I am given similar compliments, I felt the need to either live up to their standards or beat them. I had one best friend who I had known since 2nd grade, and I often asked her if she thought I looked fat or not, even when I knew I did not. Even during fall semester here at BYU, I would occasionally ask my roommate what she thought about my weight. However, as I have applied my scripture this semester, with its promise of happiness without envy, I have become not only entirely comfortable with my weight and appearance, but confident and grateful for my health.

The first time I knew I had gained such a confidence in myself was March 15, 2012. My friends and I were at a park celebrating a birthday, and one of the boys we had invited, named Daniel, has Aspergers and often says offensive things without realizing it. The girls were talking about summer, the beach, and recent weight loss, and I reported an eight-pound drop. Daniel only heard my starting weight and then approached me a few minutes later to ask me why I was so comfortable with my “high weight”, in front of the entire group of girls. They all jumped to my defense, but rather than being offended I felt peaceful. I told him it was actually the exact average for girls of my height and that yes, I was completely comfortable with my weight and myself. From then on, I have not once questioned any aspect of myself.

Throughout the year, I have grown, learned, and changed for the better. I now realize that my attitude in high school, and even last semester, was ignorant and paranoid. Everyone has flaws, but everyone has incredible strengths as well. The friends I have made this year are the greatest, most sincere, and loving friends I have ever had. In her talk, Sister Vandenaker also said, “The good news is, once we unmask envy and begin to eliminate it, we can begin to feel much better about ourselves and others around us.” I have never been so confident in myself, my friends, and my testimony. Once I accepted the fact that I was unhappy, and then discovered the cause, I was able to overcome it and grow as a person. I know that comparison truly is the thief of joy, and I am excited to spend the rest of my life being me, and not someone else.

It's the End of the Semester, But It's Not the End of My Blog

Here we go, one last week of classes, then finals, then we're done... Where in the world did all the time go?!

I am so glad for the opportunity I had to use this blog as a medium for expressing my thoughts and immortalizing them in tangible words. I have probably written in my journal three times since college started. I'm glad I'll have at least something to remember my freshman year. This blog contains a lot of personal experiences that I have chosen to share with my friends and family. Some people may think that a few of my entries are too personal or too revealing, that maybe I should have censored myself a bit more. But, I have sort of treated this blog as a path to self re-discovery, and I have no qualms about sharing every detail of my journey, especially if my experiences can help or inspire even one person. If I can't be honest with myself, how can i expect to be honest with everyone else?

I gave the URL to my mother and father and I know that people in class and my teacher, Sister Steadman, have subscribed to my blog. What I write is for anyone to read. In fact, a month ago I wasn't sure I wanted to give the link to my parents, but last night I knew I needed to. My mom emailed me back this morning and thanked me for allowing her to read my blog. I know they have been concerned about me, I am living away from home and hadn't started calling home periodically until a few weeks ago. We began losing touch and I know that would worry any parents. I am glad this blog was able to reassure my parents that all is well.

As I read over all my blog posts last night I noticed a growing trend: Love. In the beginning I wrote the required posts and maybe a self-centered, fun-focused blog or two. The last posts however are all about love, gratitude, and Christ. The theme I find is one of progression. Progression toward becoming a better writer, student, daughter, sister, and person. I lost sight of what was important, but as I read my blog I can see where I slowly begin to become Sammy again. My favorite entries were the "A Daily Dose of Gratitude" posts or the one about my visit to Temple Square. I find great joy in updating this blog and I will continue to do so, even after my Writing 150 class has ended.

These are the 5 blog posts that were required. The rest were left to our own discretion.

Personal Narrative

Research Paper Topic

General Conference Talk

Henry B. Eyring's Talk

And this one, the Conclusion

FOUND: The Light of Christ

I visited Temple Square in Salt Lake City, UT today. We walked around, looked at the lights, and watched the Joseph Smith movie. Because of the lights Temple Square was not only beautiful, but magical. And it wasn't just the lights on the trees that I noticed either. So many of the people walking around had a light in their eyes, the light of Christ. Something that I seem to have lost lately.

I realized yesterday, after the First Presidency gave the annual Christmas devotional, that I have been seriously lacking in my daily prayer, scripture study, and general Christ-like living. Maybe I have been too focused on school and self, maybe I've disillusioned myself with the notion that I'm just too busy for church. Regardless of my excuse, I realized yesterday that I've simply been too selfish with my time. When I take a step back and think about all the blessings I've received from following God's commandments, or the warm, rushing sensation I feel when the Spirit is present, I ask myself why I am not spending every minute seeking to better myself and receive these feelings once more. After a great church meeting, the devotional, extensive scripture study, and a visit to Temple Square I have suddenly developed this insatiable desire to devote all of my time and effort to my church and my God.

My Book of Mormon professor, Todd Parker, taught us that everything typifies of Christ, and it wasn't until today that I began to look for Christ in everything. I have seen His hand in my life so often today and I have read numerous scriptures that apply to my life. The scriptures are the best. I am so happy to have been born in the covenant -I can't imagine life without the church- but I feel that because I have grown up with the Book of Mormon I often fail to appreciate it. I don't take advantage of the incredible, one-in-a-million opportunity that has been given to me. Therefore, I have committed myself to daily scripture study and prayer. I cannot sit idle any longer, for I have rediscovered my light, and I don't plan to let go of it any time soon.

Christmas Bucket List Progress

My plans for this Christmas season have played out quite nicely! So far I have accomplished the following:

• Horse-drawn carriage ride around Temple Square - Fun first date!
  
• Watch Christmas movies - I got "Elf," still holding out for "It's A Wonderful Life"
• See the lights at Temple Square -Family Home Evening with Tyler Reese's ward
  
• Ice skating - date night with an incredible gentleman!
  
• Plenty of hot cocoa!
  
• *ate* peppermint bark (I have neither the means nor, frankly, the desire to make it)
• Fill stockings - Emily and I have one hanging on our door and filled it with candy canes
• I have given a few "secret" gifts, but I feel there is always room for more of those!
• Hot tub has been an almost weekly thing since school started
• Look at Christmas lights
• Christmas music is on so much that I'm surprised I'm not sick of a single song!
• Daily love - makes me and others feel good
• Decorated the room!!!!!!!!!!!
• Emily and I bought Christmas boxers on one of our Target run

Let me tell you, I am so excited to go home to be with my family, and especially my little brothers! They will help me finish my list, whether they like it or not! Of course they'll love it though. I'm serious when I say that I'm taking my brothers on dates every day.

I Have Found My Calling in Life: Teaching the Young Women

This morning I had the incredible pleasure of teaching the young women in our ward. I'm in a young single adult ward at BYU, so you may be wondering which young women I am talking about. Well, the bishop and his counselors bring their wives and children to our sacrament meeting every fast Sunday, so those of us who have the callings of young women teacher or Primary chorister have the chance to interact with these kids once a month.

Unfortunately, I don't have a calling that would involve me with the youth program. Usually I would just go to Relief Society for third hour and sit towards the back and stare at the rough, tan wall about the whiteboard, not really listening to the lesson. However, I received a text message from the girl I visit teach last night telling me that her sister had just gone into labor and she wouldn't be able to make it to church the next day to teach the young women, and neither would her roommate, with whom she shares the calling. She asked me to take over and I accepted, even though I knew I wouldn't be home until very late to prepare the lesson. I was able to read over the lesson when I got back, but only briefly because I was soon fast asleep. I set my alarm to wake me up an hour before church, so that I would have time to make a cute handout with a scripture on it or something.

Church starts at 10:30, so you can imagine my utter panic when I woke up at 10:10 and had to be at church in 20 minutes! I am actually quite proud of the fact that I got dressed (in a cute outfit) and got there with 2 minutes to spare after running through the freezing cold onslaught of fresh snowfall, my computer in tow. I walked into the young women's room for third hour to teach the lesson and was confronted with three beautiful, shining, young ladies. Seriously, these girls were almost intimidating, especially once I realized that two of them were only one or two years younger than me. What can I teach these girls? I thought to myself. I decided we'd start off with a prayer and I'd get to know the girls a bit before I really started the lesson. We were to talk about the worth of souls and how everyone is a treasured son or daughter of God.

After the prayer I had an idea... I'd still ask the girls about themselves, give them a chance to talk a bit and tell me about their weeks, but I would relate it to the lesson. After all, I believe that lessons in church are so much more meaningful if I can relate it to my own life. I asked them to tell me about something they had done for themselves and something they had done for someone else. We went around the circle and I heard everything from reading three books that week alone, to reconciling differences with Mom. I was able to relate everything they did back to God and show them how He had His hand in their lives that week. Each one of them had performed great services without intending to, and each one of them had bettered themselves that week. These inspiring young women were moving in the right direction, a direction in which I am not sure I have been traveling in quite some time.

Rather than follow the outlined lesson and tell the provided stories, I chose to relate personal stories from my own life. I described experiences in which I learned to humble myself before my Heavenly Father and my fellow beings. I told about my service trips to both India and Peru in past years. I was able to give advice to Emma, who had been having issues with her mother, because I had had the same problems with my own mom earlier this year. As the lesson progressed and my stories kept coming, time seemed to fly by, for both myself and the girls. There was a point when all four of us were tearing up, and by the end the girls were bearing their souls to me.

Miriam even said," I know you're a complete stranger but I feel like I can tell you anything."

I was touched. These girls and I had really connected and I realized that I had made a small difference in their lives. They thanked me for the lesson and we stayed and talked until we were evicted from the room for tithing settlement. Later, the Bishop and one of his counselors, Brother Bay, approached me and thanked me for teaching their daughters. Both men had been attacked by their daughters and heard all about the "best lesson" they'd ever had! I was happy to help and glad I was able to have this opportunity to teach.

These are the two scriptures we read in class, and I was impressed when Miriam recited both of them from memory, the second being her absolute favorite.

D&C 18:10
Remember the ^aworth of ^bsouls is great in the sight of God;

Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

The girls I taught today were special young women. I could see the light in their eyes and the love in their hearts. They helped me realize that it's about time I started to get back on that path. It's never too late to start trying and the best thing I can do is swallow my pride and humble myself before God.

A Daily Dose of Gratitude

My friends are the greatest people in the world. And when I say greatest people in the world, I mean that they should all win medals of friendship and be recognized by the President himself.


It was my birthday last Saturday, I finally turned 18! It had its ups and downs. The biggest downside being that I wasn't in Provo that day and therefore didn't get to celebrate with my friends. The day I got back from Thanksgiving break, however, I was ambushed by these wonderful young ladies and asked how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I told them we didn't need to do anything, my birthday had already passed and it really wasn't a big deal. Not one of them conceded and it was decided that we would go to dinner at Guru's, a favorite restaurant of mine here in Provo. They made it happen and 7 of my favorite girl friends bought me dinner. They made sure the hostess knew it was my birthday and I was graced with a birthday song by the live band, a brownie sundae, and a happy birthday song from my friends as well. Afterward they told me to get dressed in 80's apparel; I was 18 now, it was time to take me to an 18+ dance party! Unfortunately, the club in Provo that puts on 80's night every Wednesday had cancelled it that night. Not to be brought down, we came back to my room and had our own dance party. The girls promised to take me to Salt Lake the next day for real 80's night at Area 51.

Sure enough, I was whisked from the dorms at 9 PM and we traveled to Salt Lake City. The girls told the DJ it was my birthday so I received yet another birthday wish. I had the best time with my girls and I could not have asked for a better birthday...week? It was my birthweek. I can't begin to express my gratitude to my friends, or my love for them. They are so wonderful, each and every one of them. I'm so grateful to have people that love me, with whom I can be myself, so far from home. Provo is my home now and I'm grateful for the friends that have helped me feel that way.