Ever since I can remember, I have been living in the shadows of my three older sisters and mother. It is neither a long nor a thick shadow, but a shadow nonetheless. My mom and two sisters were cheerleaders, another sister a star volleyball player, and all four of them were heavily involved with student government and school activities in high school. Their impacts upon others are so lasting and strong, that I am often referred to as “So-and-So’s little sister,” or “Deborah’s daughter.” I enjoy being told how great my sisters and mother are, and I am proud to be related to them, however I sometimes experience a personal identity-crisis. I find myself questioning my choices or actions, wondering if I’m acting of my own volition or according to the past actions of my sisters and mom. I want to be an individual, but I also want to follow in the footsteps of my amazing sisters and mother, to an extent.
This semester I had two favorite quotes: “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and, “Why would you want to be someone else, when you could be you?” When we were told to find a principle in the scriptures and apply it to our daily lives, I immediately thought about my two favorite quotes and resolved to change my habit of comparing myself to others. I realized that as I envy the blessings of others, I disregard my own. The scripture I chose to apply to myself comes from 4 Nephi 1:16, “And there were no envying, nor strifes, nor tumults...and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.” I read through many different verses in the Book of Mormon, but as I prayerfully considered the assignment I knew that 4 Nephi 1:16 was the perfect scripture for me. I have always been a happy young woman, with a wonderful family and incredibly blessed life, but there was a certain level of self-awareness and personal-happiness that I knew I had not yet reached in my life. I wrote the verse on a piece of paper and taped it to my desk, intent on living out this principle to the fullest.
I began the semester with a reserved and academically-minded focus, ignoring my friends and often spending time with my sister and her husband or studying by myself in my dorm room. I had great grades, started exercising and eating healthier, and, through incredibly fallible logic, I thought that I was finally discovering myself. I thought that by spending time with loved ones in a comfortable environment, I would grow comfortable with myself as a person and then be able to stop wanting after the blessings of others. Then my parents visited Provo and, after hearing about my social self-separation, they gave me the best advice I had received all year: “Live your life.” They told me that the only way to be happy was to do what I loved, and through doing what I loved I would be blessed with self-assurance and confidence. I thought back to my favorite quotes and my scripture verse, and realized that by isolating myself from friends and spending time with my sister only, I was narrowing my vision and had unwittingly begun to act like her. I took my parents’ advice to heart and reconnected with my friends.
When I started spending more time with my friends I realized that they contributed a fresh dynamic to my life that helped me see different perspectives. Some of my friends have gone through extremely tough trials, others have never had much to worry about. I am one of the latter; I was raised in a nice home where everything I needed was provided for me, and I have never known extreme trials. Yet, I still caught myself disregarding my own talents and blessings and wondering how Mackynzie could be so skinny or how Erika was such good friends with all the boys and I was not. I was jealous and started to compare myself to others once again. Pam Wilson Vandenaker spoke about envy in the March 1999 issue of the Ensign, “The practice of comparing ourselves to others is usually at the root of envy. It causes us to feel that we aren’t good enough and that in order to be acceptable we have to achieve more, acquire more, or in other ways appear to be “better” than others.” Sister Vandenaker perfectly illustrates my problem. One of the reasons I had never had a set group of best friends in high school is because I was never comfortable enough with myself to feel entirely comfortable with others, and I thought that everyone noticed my flaws, the obvious and the insignificant.
One of my greatest insecurities that has plagued me since 8th grade was the issue of my weight. In retrospect, I know I was never overweight and I acknowledge that I have always looked fit and healthy, but I still constantly worried about my appearance. The downside of having stunning sisters and a beautiful mother is that I am constantly told how gorgeous they all are, and though I am given similar compliments, I felt the need to either live up to their standards or beat them. I had one best friend who I had known since 2nd grade, and I often asked her if she thought I looked fat or not, even when I knew I did not. Even during fall semester here at BYU, I would occasionally ask my roommate what she thought about my weight. However, as I have applied my scripture this semester, with its promise of happiness without envy, I have become not only entirely comfortable with my weight and appearance, but confident and grateful for my health.
The first time I knew I had gained such a confidence in myself was March 15, 2012. My friends and I were at a park celebrating a birthday, and one of the boys we had invited, named Daniel, has Aspergers and often says offensive things without realizing it. The girls were talking about summer, the beach, and recent weight loss, and I reported an eight-pound drop. Daniel only heard my starting weight and then approached me a few minutes later to ask me why I was so comfortable with my “high weight”, in front of the entire group of girls. They all jumped to my defense, but rather than being offended I felt peaceful. I told him it was actually the exact average for girls of my height and that yes, I was completely comfortable with my weight and myself. From then on, I have not once questioned any aspect of myself.
Throughout the year, I have grown, learned, and changed for the better. I now realize that my attitude in high school, and even last semester, was ignorant and paranoid. Everyone has flaws, but everyone has incredible strengths as well. The friends I have made this year are the greatest, most sincere, and loving friends I have ever had. In her talk, Sister Vandenaker also said, “The good news is, once we unmask envy and begin to eliminate it, we can begin to feel much better about ourselves and others around us.” I have never been so confident in myself, my friends, and my testimony. Once I accepted the fact that I was unhappy, and then discovered the cause, I was able to overcome it and grow as a person. I know that comparison truly is the thief of joy, and I am excited to spend the rest of my life being me, and not someone else.
